Getting over the perfectionism of Bonnie: Choosing to be happy

So I hate to say it, but I’m a total perfectionist. I like to delude myself and think different but every personality test I take points to that. Both Aaron and I took one and his was totally cool, he was called A Challenger- very Chuck Norris. Another guy was a Deep Thinker- awesome. Mine, Precisionist – translated, type A. I’m a nurse and most nurses are generally known to be, er, difficult people. I always exempted myself thinking “I’m much more laid back than these people I work with”. But looking back, I’m beginning to think that my old co-workers would probably beg to differ.

So, sometimes I kind of struggle here in Costa Rica and I was kind of lost as to why I was feeling the emotions I was feeling. Finally, the other day it came to me- I miss Virginia and our friends but what I miss the most is feeling like a competent human being. I never realized how much control I had over my life in Virginia…at my job, how my day went, how people perceived me…Control which is now mostly gone. I’m learning sooo many new things- how to talk, how to drive a stick shift vehicle, cooking different food, etc. It can just be kind of overwhelming at times constantly feeling like I just can’t do anything right. For example: I’ve slid down a mountain  in the car, and in Spanish- told people I had a 36lb baby…what?!

So I’m learning to drive stick…in the mountains. Our kids go to a small public school in the mountains; the road leading up the school is literally like a 90 degree angle. So, I’ve been practicing with Aaron and finally it was time for me to go it alone. I got there a little early and got to “hang out” with the moms which basically entails me standing there with a blank smile on my face and nodding my head…which is not that different from what I did at my kid’s preschool Virginia, it’s just more awkward because I don’t know what the heck anyone is saying. So I get the kids and get in the car and turn it on…and start sliding backwards down the mountain. Panicking I hit the brakes, which made a lovely squealing noise and kicked up a pretty narly cloud of dirt. Now all eyes are on the crazy gringa in her car. Start the car, slide backwards, stall; start the car, slide backwards, stall…you get the idea. By now I’ve accumulated quite an audience. The moms and teachers at the school all looked slightly terrified, there was a truck driver trying to get past me giving me a dirty look, and Vincent and Veronica were trying to express to me just how hungry they were, and how they needed lunch now, and can they have a snack… I finally managed to keep the e-brake on, rev up the gas, and peal out of the school…all while sweating profusely and praying fervently.

Spanish is a little tricky for me, a lot more frustrating than I thought it was going to be. I have some absolutely lovely ladies that have allowed me to come out to their Bible study with them, they only speak Spanish. They invited me to go and visit a lady in the church with them who had just had a baby. I was thrilled to be invited but I couldn’t use the car because Aaron had to get the kids from school at that time…so I would have to use the bus to get around.  I jumped on the bus at the bus stop right by our house and tried to communicate with the bus driver about where I was going. It took about 5min and he seemed a little confused as I paid him. We drove to the next stop where the ladies from the study jumped on. The bus driver started talking to the ladies about where I was going and evidently people don’t pay for this bus if they get a connecting bus…kind of confusing. One of the ladies reassured the bus driver and said “It doesn’t seem like it but she’s actually very intelligent”. Ouch… We arrived to the house and visited one of the cutest newborns I’ve seen. I listened very intently as I normally do trying to catch words I might recognize and try to keep up with the conversation. The new mom asked me about what Vincent and Veronica were like when they were first born…a chance to practice my Spanish! Concentrating very hard on my conjugating, I regaled them with the stories of how I had 2 big 9lb babies (which I had to convert to kg since they don’t use lbs here). 9lbs! The ladies widened their eyes and clutched at their chests, “Aye Dios” they all said. I even told them how I had a c-section with Veronica but had Vincent naturally. Upon hearing that, one lady almost fell out her chair and they all widened their eyes in horror as they stared at me and the “Aye Dios” became louder. I sat back feeling slightly accomplished that I had communicated a good story. It wasn’t until later that I realized that in an effort to make sure my Spanish was correct I didn’t take the time to make sure my math was correct. So instead of taking 9lbs and dividing by 2.2 to be about 4.5kg, I multiplied it by 2.2 to be 18kg…a 36lb baby. These ladies thought I had pushed out a 36lb baby!

So these stories (and others I haven’t shared) all happened in one week. So needless to say I was feeling pretty bruised. Feeling like I had no control over my environment and how people were perceiving me. The perfectionist in me was saying “You can’t do this, it’s too hard. You’re a failure, everyone thinks you’re crazy. You need to be better, you need to try harder, you are just not good enough”. So I’ve been moping around with my self-pity and beating myself up over everything when I came across something someone posted on Facebook. There’s a lady named Bianca Thomas at our church in Virginia who has a ministry called Women Ablaze International and she had a post about Choosing to be Happy. Now that might sound trite- choose to be happy- but it struck a chord in me. I can get so wrapped up with negative thoughts that they affect everything in my life. I let my thoughts and my circumstances control my emotions and how I feel about myself and about the people around me. I’m not perfect and that’s ok. Instead of looking to my performance to make me happy I need to keep my eyes on Christ who knows my imperfections and loves me still. He has sent me here to Costa Rica knowing my weaknesses and already knowing the failures I would have here…but he still sent me here. God roots for the underdog. So I encourage you to allow yourself to be used by God whether it’s to start a ministry he’s placed on your heart, to reach out to someone at your work, to be a godly parent to your kids, to do something that is out your comfort zone. If he calls you to something, he will provide. And you don’t have to be perfect first, allow him to use you now. We will never be perfect this side of heaven and that’s ok. I think once we accept that then we free ourselves up from the bondage of perfectionism and free ourselves from the stronghold of negative thoughts.

– Bonnie

2 Corinthians 10:5b- “…and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”.

Phil 4:8- “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”